How People Grow 

Several years ago a young woman named Allison was working for me. She poked her head into my office one day and said, “Hey Jeff, can I schedule some time with you? There’s some stuff I’d like to talk through with you. And, well, just to be honest, it’s probably going to be pretty heavy.” 

Allison had always been an exemplary team member, capable of handling any work situation that presented itself, no matter how complicated. I could tell she was genuinely concerned, and of course I wanted to address whatever was on her mind. We blocked out some time to meet and put it on the calendar. I don’t know that anything could have prepared me for all that Allison needed to tell me that day. She began by explaining that while she liked me personally, and that there was no problem between us as friends, what she was wrestling with was that she didn’t enjoy working for me. 

As delicately as she could, Allison revealed to me how difficult I was as a boss. While somehow managing to be humble and gracious, Allison offered me specific examples that clearly demonstrated that I was regularly communicating unrealistic expectations. My never-ending drive for more growth, more results, had burdened her everyday work life. 

Basically, I was never satisfied, even with wins. As difficult as it was for me to hear these things — which were all perfectly true, by the way — the worst part was learning that my overbearing demeanor had given Allison the impression that I didn’t care about her very much. I never imagined that anyone — much less someone I worked with every day — might not understand my true heart. I was genuinely surprised that Allison felt I cared more about the tasks I wanted us to accomplish than about the people doing the work. But she did such a great job helping me see things from her perspective that I was really able to take the things she said to heart. I thanked her for being honest with me, and I tried to assure her that I would review her feedback and try to become a better boss. As you might imagine, processing something as personal as that was emotionally challenging. I had to be very intentional not to become defensive, not to simply start outlining excuses for each of the examples Allison had offered. I took some time over the next few hours to mull everything over. And the more honest I was with myself, it really sunk in that she was absolutely right. These were not isolated instances; they represented ongoing patterns of behavior. Whether we were talking about my expectations, about weaknesses in my communication, about how I came across in personal interactions, or any number of other leadership skills, it was clear: 

I had several things I needed to change 

Friends and Mentors 

I tried to think about who I knew who was good at the kinds of things I needed help with. My thoughts settled on my friend John, a really successful organizational leader who’s had a lot more experience leading people and working with teams than I have. Although John worked in our same organization, for many years before that, he had already had a successful career leading large teams, managing in complex environments, and navigating through all sorts of complicated situations. 

I called John and told him about the things Allison had helped me see. He listened quietly, only asking me short questions every now and then, promptings that helped me organize my thoughts. When I had finished telling him everything, I said, “I know that’s a lot, but what do you think? Can you help me?” John is the kind of guy whose smile you can hear, shining through his rich South African accent, even over the phone. 

He said, “Listen, you know what I think, Jeff? I think this is actually great news. I think that if you can stick with it, if you can do the hard work — and I believe you can — then you’re gonna come out on the other side of this not just as a better boss, but as a better person. And of course I’d be happy to help you.” Right off the top of his head, John told me about a book he’d read that addressed many of the issues I needed to work on. 

He asked if I’d be willing to read it and talk it over with him after each chapter or two. I wanted to start right away. Over the next several weeks, I’d a read for a while, then hop on the phone to visit with John about what I was learning. Those conversations helped me learn, one small step at a time, how I could communicate better with the people I was leading, both personally and about what tasks I felt we needed to perform — and why. 

Gradually I learned how to balance my natural drive for results with the learnable skills of caring for others, coaching their development, and helping them feel successful. I am grateful to my friend John for investing his time and wisdom in me. And just as much (maybe even more), I am so grateful to Allison; her courage to tell me the truth about how she felt was a conversation that sparked a growth process in my life that I truly needed. I wouldn’t be who I am today without both of these people.